not sad which means that I should not be blogging because I only blog when I’m sad. Oh well, I am always being told I’m a rebel so I guess I’ll rebel against only sad posts.
Kolby’s birthday project is coming along. I’m meeting friends of his that I had only heard his stories of which is perfect for this project. I miss my little wolf brother but I swear he is always with me. He’s proud of me, I can tell. I’m finally taking his advice about people. Finally not standing in the shadows with my art. Finally showing my teeth. And finally finding new trouble. Fishing… yeah… may I catch some trouble.
You enjoy kicking me when I’m down the most. Does it make you feel more like a man?
If I disappeared would anyone notice? Maybe the people who need something from me. Need my help. But few if any would miss me. And no one wants to comfort me. No one sees how much I am hurting or how lonely I am. I am just self-indulgent when I hurt. I want to stop existing today. I’m tired of fighting the darkness. I tired of trying to fix myself. I am just not someone that people fall in love with. I am bland wallpaper. Nothing special. My pain repulses people. I’m a freak that people feel embarrassed by.
Is it possible to die from loneliness? I’m pretty sure I’m half dead.
Someone told me yesterday that I had “things people would kill for.” Are those things the lonely nights in the middle of nowhere with no one at all to talk to? Or the days spent around people with whom I feel no connection to at all? We lie when we tell people we will always be there for them. I have things people would kill for…. yes, I guess it would be murder. Would I still be lonely over there? Maybe I am already over there and there is hell. I need desperately to get out of this isolation. There are too few people and too many demons here. These are the things I have that people would kill for.
